BREAKING NEWS!!!

9/1/2011 - 10:00PM

reports have surfaced that the road house coolers have accepted a trade that will send chris "i don't have a regular job" johnson and his new $53.5million deal to spooner express for the 4th overall pick and pick position.

trade breakdown:

spooner express to receive:

-chris johnson

-the 7th pick in rounds 3, 5, 7, 9, 11 and 13

road house coolers to receive:

-1st round pick (4th overall)

-the 4th pick in rounds 3, 5, 7, 9, 11 and 13

in a brief interview, cooler owner/coach brent cronce said his team's success will depend on the same three things it does every season - the running game, quality picks and injuries. when asked about trading away one of the best, if not the best, back in the game cronce stated "when you have the opportunity to better your program through quality depth, you take it. that's what the coolers did today. we are ecstatic about the possibility of two first round picks as well as improving our team's keepers with high picks throughout the draft."

express owner/coach kevin hudson appeared to be less reserved with his comments as he emotionally ripped off his shirt outside the spooner facilities. "i believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of susan sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. i believe lee harvey oswald acted alone. i believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter. i believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents christmas morning rather than christmas eve and i believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. and i believe in doing whatever it takes to get a running back who breaks 2000 yards," hudson said.

hudson, starting to remove his pants, finished the interview by saying "i just wanted to thank my mom for raising me as a good catholic so that we only had to miss two sundays a year. HT to AJ."